New Year's Resolutions

1. Eat healthier.

2. Sign up for salsa dancing classes.

3. Don't call ex-husband.

4. Spend more time with the cat.

5. If you do call ex-husband, don't beg. Don't beg.

6. Spend more time outdoors.

7. Volunteer.

8. Accept that ex-husband has moved on. Don't embezzle from the cash box to buy him a $800 Tissot watch with your face emblazoned on it.

9. Smile more.

10. Take more photos.

11. If you do embezzle from the cash box, make sure you adjust the books in some way, to prevent it being obvious that somebody embezzled. Don't borrow the company card.

12. Treat the cat to wet food twice a month.

13. If you do borrow the company card, don't buy the BMW convertible your ex-husband briefly admired the time you walked past the dealership. Don't park it in his driveway. Don't emblazon your face on it.

14. Be more confident. Have better self-esteem. Therapy?

15. Write a list of things you want that are not your ex-husband. Try to acquire some of those things.

16. Try to learn a new fact every day.

17. If you do buy the BMW, adjust the books in some way afterward. Don't just leave the books.

18. Don't just leave the books.

19. Travel to a place you've never been before.

20. Re-connect with an old friend.

21. Don't get fired. Don't get charged with grand larceny.

22. Take a cooking course.

23. If you have no money after paying off your company to get them to drop charges, make sure you secure a loan so your house is not in danger of being repossessed.

24. Find joy in the little things.

25. Try Indian food.

26. If your house is repossessed, don't break into your ex-husband's new house. Don't rationalize that you have nowhere left to go. Countless friends and relatives have offered their homes to you. Breaking into your ex-husband's house is and always will be unnecessary.

27. Join a book club.

28. If you do break into your ex-husband's house, don't emblazon your face on your ex-husband's rec room wall. Don't emblazon it again on his bedroom ceiling. Don't emblazon it on his new girlfriend, even if it's just with a Sharpie.

29. Don't emblazon your face on things.

30. Don't get charged with breaking and entering or assault. Don't get charged with resisting police officers. Don't get multiple restraining orders filed against you.

32. Learn Spanish.