Girls, This Just Might Make Your Clit Explode!‏

I love sex product-related junk email so much, I might one day marry it, or elope with it, or live in a fulfilling common law arrangement in which we secretly judge the need of other couples to commit by honouring an outdated and patriarchal tradition with it. From the hook of the subject line, to the name of the imaginary person who wrote it, to the odd phrasing that it necessary must entail, the occasional sexified email is always welcome in my spam folder. Today, Mariah Johnson (you might know her as MariahJohnson@cougars.com) thought fit to forward along this little nugget of a message.

Subject Line: Girls, This Just Might Make Your Clit Explode‏

Explode in unbelievable pleasures that is!

Girls, you just won't believe what this will do for you.

But seeing is believing. Become a believer now.

http://satisfyingvibrations.com.cn

Stop:

http://satisfyingvibrations.com.cn/purge.html

I love that inspired subject line/first line...um, wordplay? Not really wordplay, but some sort of play on imagined expectations of the reader. Like, it seems as if there is an assumption on the part of Mariah Johnson (again, you may know her more through the famed "cougars.com") that one would read that subject line, and take it really literally. "OH MY GOD, THIS MIGHT MAKE MY CLIT EXPLODE?!?! DO THE CLITS JUST VAPOURIZE?! DO THEY LEAVE A MUSHROOM CLOUD?! WHAT IS THIS TERRIFYING ENTITY OR DEVICE, THIS EXPLODER OF CLITS?!" All natural questions. But then, one opens the email, and there's a little joke in there. How droll!

While I'm on the subject, I'd like to reminisce about my work email address at the New School, which used to get the most awesome sex spams. I think a lot of my appreciation of this particular batch derived from the effort that was put into coming up with convincing names, which ended up being more jarring than just going with something like "Hugecock Bigdick". I also liked the various tactics used, presumably to entice customers of every temperament. Here are a few of the tops:

Toni Cartwright wrote "Huge love weapon is never too much!" For the idealist.

Eugenia Grimm wrote "Feel your male superiority" For the traditionalist.

Jane Felix wrote "A formula turning you into a happy guy!" For the chronically depressed.

Ollie Galindo wrote "Make your tool large and really hard". For the straight-talking working man. (Note: Jamel Findley followed up later on this; same subject.)

Alexandra Connolly wrote "Boost a growth of your intimate part!" For the eager, but polite.

Rocco McClain wrote "Turn your dwarf into a giant" For the fantasy lover.

Susan Head wrote "Bomb her womb with your huge cannon!" For the military man.

Cesar Dawson wrote "Create a furore in her bedroom!" Now, this one, I'm not sure. I remember it was my favourite, mostly because the misspelling of "furore" made my brain register it first as "Fuhrer". This in turn caused me to interpret the entire sentence as meaning "Conceive a Hitler-baby in her bedroom". So, for...the fascist?

It doesn't matter because if Cesar Dawson endorses it, just sign me the fuck up!